He who spares the rod hates his son (Mishlei 13:24) 1
Devarim Rabbah 1:4
These are the words that Moshe addressed to all Israel – R. Aha son of R. Hanina said: The words of rebuke should have been said by Bilaam, and the blessings by Moshe. Still, had it been Bilaam who rebuked them, the Israelites would have said: Someone who hates us is rebuking us! And had Moshe blessed them, the nations of the world would have said: Someone who loves them is blessing them. The Holy One blessed be He said: Let Moshe who loves them rebuke them and let Bilaam who hates them bless them so that the blessings and the rebuke should be clarified in the hands of the nation of Israel.2
Midrash Tanna’im on Devarim 25:3
Your brother be degraded before your eyes – Once he is flogged, he is your brother…the flogging is beloved for it atones for the sins…the flogging is beloved for it brings the individual to be loved by his Father in heaven…as it says: Discipline your son and he will give you peace (Mishlei 29:17), Discipline your son while there is still hope (Mishlei 19:18), Train a lad in the way he ought to go (Mishlei 22:6), He who spares the rod hates his son (Mishlei 13:24), Do not withhold discipline from a child; If you beat him with a rod he will not die (Mishlei 23:13), Beat him with a rod and you will save him from the grave (Mishlei 23:14).3
Midrash Tanhuma on Parashat Shemot 1 – Shemot Rabbah 1:1 – He who spares the rod hates his son4
Now these are the names (Shemot 1:1). This is the meaning of what is written: He who spares the rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him early (Mishlei 13:24). Normally, if a man informs his friend that someone has beaten his son, the father would harass him in every aspect of his life. Why, then, does Scripture state: He who spares the rod hates his son?5 This teaches you that whenever a man fails to chastise his son, that son will ultimately act wickedly, and he will come to despise him. We find this to be so in the case of Yishmael, who behaved fondly toward his father, who failed to chastise him, and he thus went astray. As a result, Avraham began to despise him, and drove him emptyhanded from his home.6 What had Yishmael done? When he was fifteen years old, he brought idols into his home, to play with and to worship as he had seen others do. Sarah saw the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Avraham making sport (Bereishit 21:9). The word sport refers here to practicing idolatry, as it is said: And the people sat down to eat and to drink, and rose up to make sport (Shemot 32:6).7 She said to him: She said to Avraham: Cast out that slave-woman and her son (Bereishit 21:10), lest my son learn from his behavior.
Immediately: The matter distressed Avraham greatly, for it concerned a son of his.8 But God said to Avraham, “Do not be distressed … whatever Sarah tells you, do as she says…” Immediately:9 Early next morning Avraham took some bread and a skin of water… teaching you that he came to despise Yishmael for having strayed to a bad path, so he sent him away together with his wife, Hagar, emptyhanded, banishing them from his home…Teaching you that once he strayed to a bad path he no longer cared for him…for he had gone astray…10
Another example of this: Yitzhak favored Esav (Bereishit 25:28). Apparently, Esav went astray because his father failed to chastise him. As we have learned, the wicked Esav committed five transgressions in one day: he slept with a betrothed maiden, killed a man, denied the concept of resurrection, rejected the essential principle of religion, and despised the birthright11… Furthermore, he longed for his father’s death, so that he might slay his brother, as it is said: Let but the mourning period of my father come, and I will kill my brother Yaakov (Bereishit 27:41). He compelled Yaakov to flee from his father’s house, while he went to Yishmael’s home to learn evil ways from him, and to add to the number of his wives, as it is said: So Esav went to Yishmael and took to wife, in addition to the wives he had, Mahalat the daughter of Yishmael son of Avraham, sister of Nevayot (Bereishit 28:9).12
Similarly, Avshalom went astray because David failed to chastise and punish him. He tried to kill his father, he slept with his father’s ten concubines, he forced his father to wander about barefoot and weeping, he brought about the slaughter of thousands of Israelites, and caused him innumerable trials, as it is written:, A psalm of David, when he fled from his son Avshalom (Tehillim 3:1), and this is followed by: O LORD, my foes are so many! Many are those who attack me. For a wayward child in a person’s home is more difficult than the war of God and Magog, for we find regarding the war of Gog and Magog it is written: Why do nations assemble, and peoples plot vain things? (Tehillim 2:1), yet it does not say O LORD, my foes are so many!13
David behaved similarly toward Adoniyah. Because he did not reproach him or punish him, he went astray, as it is written: His father had never scolded him: “Why did you do that?” He was the one born after Avshalom14 (1 Melakhim 1:6). Was not Avshalom actually the son of Michah, and Adoniyah the son of Haggit? Why, then, does it say: He was the one born after Avshalom? To teach us that just as Avshalom went astray because his father failed to chastise him, so did Adoniyah, concerning whom it is written: His father had never scolded him: “Why did you do that?” Thus, he went astray for the same reason. This is the meaning of: But he who loves him disciplines him early.15
Shemot Rabbah 1:1 – But he who loves him disciplines him early16
But he who loves him disciplines him early. This refers to the Holy One blessed be He, because He loves the nation of Israel, as is written: I have shown you love, said the LORD (Malakhi 1:2), he increases their afflictions. For you find that the Holy One blessed be He bestowed three generous gifts to the people of Israel, and all of them were given by means of affliction: the Torah, the Land of Israel and the life of the World-to-Come. The Torah, as is written: Happy is the man whom You discipline, O LORD, the man You instruct in Your teaching (Tehillim 94:12). The Land of Israel as is written: Bear in mind that the LORD your God disciplines you just as a man disciplines his son (Devarim 8:5), and what is written immediately afterwards? For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land. The World-to-Come, as is written: For the commandment is a lamp, The teaching is a light, And the way to life is the rebuke that disciplines (Mishlei 6:23). And whoever disciplines his son, his son will love his father and respect him, as is stated: Discipline your son and he will give you peace; He will gratify you with dainties (Mishlei 29:17), and it further states: Discipline your son while there is still hope (Mishlei 19:18), and his love will increase, as is stated: But he who loves him disciplines him early – it is because he disciplines him early that he loves him.17
You find that Avraham disciplined his son Yitzhak, teaching him Torah and instructing him in his ways, as is written by Avraham: Inasmuch as Avraham obeyed Me and kept My charge… (Bereishit 26:5), and it is written: This is the story of Yitzhak, son of Avraham, to teach you that he was similar to his father in every way, developed in wisdom, wealth and good deeds. The proof of this is that he was 37 years old when his father took him to be bound up…yet he did not object. This is why: Avraham willed all that he owned to Yitzhak (Bereishit 25:5). This is the meaning of: But he who loves him disciplines him early.18
Similarly, Yitzhak disciplined Yaakov at an early age, teaching him Torah and disciplining him where he studied, as is stated: But Yaakov was a mild man (Bereishit 25:27). At first he studied what his father taught him, and then he left his father and installed himself in the house of Ever to study Torah. This is why he merited inheriting the land, as is stated: Now Yaakov was settled in the land where his father had sojourned, the land of Canaan (Bereishit 37:1). Yaakov also disciplined his children, pressuring them to learn his ways, and there was no one unworthy among them, as is written: These are the names of the sons of Yisrael who came to Egypt with Yaakov…Reuven, Shimon, etc. All his children are compared to Yaakov, as they were all righteous, just as he was. This is the meaning of: But he who loves him disciplines him early.19
Midrash Tanhuma Parashat Shemot 1 – But he who loves him disciplines him early20
But he who loves him disciplines him early (Mishlei 13:24). This refers to Avraham who disciplined his son Yitzhak, teaching him Torah and instructing him in his ways… This is the meaning of But he who loves him disciplines him early. Similarly, But he who loves him disciplines him early, this refers to Yaakov, who was taught Torah by his father, Yitzhak, who disciplined him where he studied… This is why he merited inheriting the land… Yaakov also disciplined his children, urging them to learn his ways, and there was no one unworthy among them…All his children are compared to Yaakov, as they were all righteous, just as he was. This is the meaning of: But he who loves him disciplines him early.21
Likewise, But he who loves him disciplines him early refers to the righteous Bat-Sheva, who rebuked her son, Shlomo, as is written: The words of Lemuel, king of Massa, with which his mother admonished him (Mishlei 31:1). R. Yosé the son of Hanina posed the question: What is meant by Massa, with which his mother admonished him? It means that Bat-Sheva turned him over a whipping post and punished him by beating him with a rod. What did she say to him as she did this? No, my son! No, O son of my womb! No, O son of my vows! (Mishlei 31:2). With these words she was saying to him: “Everyone knows that your father is a God-fearing man, and if you should go astray, they will say that you are my son, and I am responsible for what you are.” No, O son of my womb? “When the other women of your father’s house became pregnant, they saw the king’s face no more, but I went to him so that I might have a well-formed and powerful son.” And what, O son of my vows? “All the other women of your father’s house vowed: I shall have a son fit for kingship, but I vowed: I will have a son wise in the knowledge of the law and worthy of prophecy.” Therefore she beat him and chastised him and said to him: Wine is not for kings, O Lemuel; Not for kings to drink, Nor any strong drink for princes. (Mishlei 31:4). That is to say, she was telling him: “What have you to do with kings who drink wine, become drunk, and say, O Lemuel, what is God to us? It is not for princes to say: Where is strong drink? Shall he, to whom all secrets of the world are revealed, drink wine and become drunk?” Therefore she chastised him, and He was the wisest of all men (1 Melakhim 5:11).22
It is taught that R. Shimon bar Yohai taught: You find that the Holy One, blessed be He, bestowed three precious gifts upon Israel, but He gave them only through affliction: the Torah, the Land of Israel, and the World-to-Come…And whoever disciplines his son, his son will love his father and respect him, as is stated: Discipline your son and he will give you peace; He will gratify you with dainties (Mishlei 29:17). This is the meaning of: But he who loves him disciplines him early.23
Shabbat Shalom
Afterthought 1: This is a double question. First – are the textual changes between Shemot Rabbah and Midrash Tanhuma significant? If so, what do you think may be the impetus behind the change?
Creative comments would be appreciated, including those that offer “early discipline” and do not “withhold the rod.”
Afterthought 2: You may be interested in seeing a poetic approach to the idea that we have presented here of a strict approach to children’s education, as it appears in the Book of Ben Sira (Chapter 30):
He that loveth his son causeth him oft to feel the rod, that he may have joy of him in the end.
He that chastiseth his son shall have joy in him, and shall rejoice of him among his acquaintance.
A horse not broken becometh headstrong: and a child left to himself will be willful.
Bow down his neck while he is young, and beat him on the sides while he is a child, lest he wax stubborn, and be disobedient unto thee, and so bring sorrow to thine heart.
Chastise thy son, and hold him to labor, lest his lewd behavior be an offence unto thee.